Have you ever felt yourself holding on when you thought you should be letting go?

Change is never easy. You fight to hold on. You fight to let go.

— The Wonder Years

In my last post I ruminated about “Guarding”.  Today I’m still thinking about that but I’m looking at it from a different perspective.  You see, lately I’ve noticed that I often sit with my arms tightly folded and I’ve excused myself by saying I was cold.  But now I think not.  I think at some semi-conscious level I’m holding myself together, protecting myself from falling apart… If you will, I’m just practicing another form of guarding.

Lagging Behind

I feel like I’m lagging behind my expectations.  PattiAnn would probably tell me I’m being too hard on myself.  And maybe I am.  Still, I feel like I’m stuck on a plateau – languishing, going neither up nor down, wandering about the edges of here and now.  I can’t return to the old “norm” and I haven’t yet carved out handholds for scaling the “new” norm.  I’m in the dreaded “in-between”… (Hmmm, have I just coined a new “stage” in life, sorta like being a “pre-teen”?)

About a month ago I wrote in my journal:

I think I’m exiting this grieving tunnel.  Not sure.  But at least for the moment, feeling whole and thinking about priorities and goals and future.  Looking backward still, but in a different way than before.  Trying hard to do it with affection and joy instead of loss and sadness.  Mostly that’s working.

Now all I have to do is simply… what?  Get on with my life.  Oh.  That’s all.  Yikes.  Continue reading » Holding On