Originally published on February 3, 2010.

We do not remember days; we remember moments.

— Cesare Pavese

In yesterday’s post, Ellie asked “…do you have something special that you’re saving for ‘just the right moment?’ WHEN will that moment be, do you know???”

That question really hit me because as I’ve been sorting thru the stuff at my folk’s house, it has become very apparent that they were saving everything for either a special moment or a rainy day.

One of the saddest things I’ve learned is never give a gift that is outside the receiver’s comfort zone. Let me give you a couple of examples.

Prior to assuming responsibility for the family business, my brother worked as a multi-location supervisor for a franchisee in the Golden Arches. As management, he tried to be appropriately dressed for a job that might require him to meet with management that was in from Chicago or he might need to work the grill or he might have to clean the restrooms. As a result, he usually wore some form of a polo shirt, never all that expensive because it was easy to destroy the shirt with one ill-placed splash.

When he was in a situation that required “business casual” he also wore a polo shirt, only these shirts were really Ralph Lauren polo shirts. One year, for Christmas, he gave a Ralph Lauren polo shirt to my dad. I remember it. On my last trip to work on the house, I found it, still unworn, with the tissue paper folded inside. There were probably two reasons that Dad never wore the shirt; 1) it wasn’t his style and 2) Ralph Lauren was just a bit too upscale for his comfort. He wouldn’t want to ruin the shirt my brother had given him.

In the second example, the discomfort probably came from the fact that the item didn’t have K-Mart written somewhere on the package. My mother was always cold and I had discovered the warmth of flannel sheets. She professed to love them. I had gotten them at Costco – almost as good as K-Mart, but of course since they were a gift, we never discussed where they came from or how much they cost. Over the years, I had tried repeatedly to help keep her warm. When I was cleaning out the linen closets, there they all were – in their original packaging.

What Are We Waiting For?

The question that comes to mind was, “What were they waiting for?” I say “they” because my father never chose his own clothes for “nice occasions.” This was because my mother believed that he didn’t take care of his stuff and she hid the good stuff from him. (She was right. He had no sense of good vs. every-day vs. work clothes. He would put a shirt on in the morning – whatever was in front of him. He would spill something on it in the morning and come home and change it. He might do this three times in one day and often what he got on his shirt was some form of motor oil or grease.) So, Dad never wore his “nice” polo shirt.

Mom always loved jewelry, the good stuff. Unfortunately, from her point of view, she never went anywhere good enough to trot out the good stuff. Of all the pieces that she kept in her safe deposit box, I only recognize a couple. I have no idea where the other pieces came from. Many of them probably were inherited from her Aunt G, but she never showed them to us nor wore them and so they lack the resonance that would come with a family heirloom that can be connected to someone dear to you.

In yesterday’s post, Ellie wrote of drinking the wine, spending the gift card, or using the frequent flyer miles – NOW – before we can’t. She is writing about consumable items. But our lives are also filled with the “good” clothes, or crystal or china; things that we can use and use again – if we will just start using them.

Make a Memory – Give it Value

From various sources, we now have three sets of china to be disposed of. This doesn’t include the china that my sister and I have acquired on our own. Only one of these sets have either of us ever seen before, the set my mother used every time we had company. The others were never used and have no emotional resonance. How sad that there is so much “stuff” and we can’t connect it to anything.

There is a feeling that somehow we should feel an attachment to the things our parents had, but we can’t put them into context and that’s the rub. My heartfelt recommendation to you is to decide what is important to you. Use it NOW with your family. Create memories. Then when you choose to move to a smaller place or are just clearing out some of the old stuff, there will be memories and feelings to pass on along with all the stuff.