You cannot prevent the birds of sadness from passing over your head, but you can prevent their making a nest in your hair.

— Chinese Proverb

We’ve finally gotten everyone in this great big mess around my father’s house to agree that it really is our house.  As they say in Fiddler on the Roof, “Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles.”  Our next step, once the title is insurable, is to list it.  Because it’s been listed before, there are pictures online of how it looks now.  It is simply GORGEOUS!

It makes me so sad.  This is the house my mother would have loved.  For her entire married life, she never had a finished house.  My father must have had ADHD because he never finished a remodeling project that I’m aware of.  So, my mother lived in homes that were torn up and not put back together.  She took such pride in her home, but she couldn’t finish it herself.

They had bought it as a foreclosure – somewhat ironic given that it was sold again as a foreclosure 35 years later.  It was a fixer upper.  It was on the golf course and needed a lot of work.  Over the years, small things would get partially done.  They were always waiting for better times.  Then, Mom got Alzheimers and the house deteriorated until a year and a half ago when Dad went into the home.

Now, because the bank made a BIG MISTAKE, it looks like no place I’ve ever lived and no place my mother ever had a chance to live.  As I say, it makes me so sad.

No Life

The second bit of sadness comes from a realization I had this morning.  I have no life.  It was a bit of a shock, to be honest.  But there you have it.  It’s official – PattiAnn has no life.

Of course, this isn’t literally true.  I’m still alive and kicking – hard, but I don’t remember how to have fun.  Maybe I never knew.

This all comes from something that has happened rather regularly.  It’s almost a tradition that my brother would call and need to talk about something on the one night every month that is the night my book club meets.  I’d tell him that I was sorry but I was leaving for book club and he’d say, “It must be nice to have a life.”  I, of course, would agree, and sign off.

What brought this melancholy on?  Well, I worked this weekend.  Actually, I always work on the weekend, but this weekend I worked at the job that pays me.  It coincided with the weekend when the book club went to see The Help.  We read The Help this year and truly enjoyed it.  Most everyone in the book club agreed to meet, see the movie and then go to dinner together.  I knew I was in trouble when I realized that no matter when they scheduled it, I just couldn’t go.  An outing like this takes up six to eight hours and I don’t have six to eight hours to spare for fun.

You see?  No life.

It’s Not Called Stuck

I know some of this is just feeling sorry for myself.  I’m sure that while I’m not physically exhausted, not having a break this weekend has left me tired out emotionally.

At the same time, these two things, coming together as they do, made me realize that I need to make some changes.  Just like you, I’m aging.  I always say that it’s better than the alternative (not aging, as in being dead).  At the same time, I’d like to think that in my less young years I’ve learned some things.  That maybe I’ve learned some things from mistakes I’ve made and some things from mistakes I’ve seen others make.

It’s time for me to have fun.  I’m not quite sure what I’m going to do, but I need to inject fun into my life.  I’m way too serious, way too task focused.  I’m no longer the eldest who’s responsible for the care and feeding of her siblings and her parents.  It’s time for me to take back my life – no matter who I work for – no matter where I work.  I need to loosen up a bit.

I need to take some time to do some nesting.  Create the home that I want.  It’s going to be a real challenge because the last time I took this on my friend Carol helped me with it.  She’s been gone for several years now and I still miss her.  But, we all must keep moving lest we get stuck where we are.  And when you’re where you want to be, it’s not called STUCK!