Comments on: The Consequences of Keeping Secrets

By: PattiAnn

PattiAnn — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 06:00:41 +0000

Like you I struggle with the fact that my folks never really got help. As my father got older, he got MORE abusive and unfortunately our society allows this kind of behavior under the guise of personal freedom. As we kids were trying to cope with his behavior, I was often told that the only solution was to just walk away. Abandon him and my siblings because it would never get better.
Well, they were sort of right. It didn’t get better until he became unable to maintain the illusion of competency. Now that the illusion is gone, we take care of the man who caused so much pain. I was blessed in that when I was in my early 20s, an older friend recommended that I move away so that at least I could limit the effect they had on my daily life. I think that piece of wisdom probably allowed me to have what self-confidence I do have. I see the destruction that my brother has suffered because of his ongoing exposure to Dad. I am so angry on his behalf and yet, this is an illness. I believe that society needs to wrestle with these issues more fully to reduce the amount of carnage in our families but I don’t have a clue how to fix it.

By: cocoricomom

cocoricomom — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 04:47:00 +0000

Thank you for this post and comments. I can’t believe how close to home this hits. I never wanted to have children also. When I was a kid I thought it was us kids that made my parents so miserable. As an adult I knew that wasn’t true. My mom is bipolar and has depression. My parents are still healthy and alive. They now apologize for all the hurt, but under a little pressure the screaming and irrationality comes back. I feel that they can’t help it on their own, but they could have gotten help when us kids were living at home if they weren’t so selfish and vain. I got help when I saw that my children were effected by my depression and I was never even abusive like my parents. I’m working on healing and being a better parent.

By: PattiAnn

PattiAnn — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 20:52:14 +0000

Like you, I chose not to have children because of the parenting I received. I was afraid that I would be my mother because I did not understand what had created her.
Since I became an “adult” I have been searching for answers. Being an avid reader, some of my answers have come from books like Motherless Daughters which best describes the challenges my own mother faced. I have worked with some therapists who have a real gift for understanding the underlying issues. Others have seemed to know less than I did and that is why I also do my own research.
More recently, when my father was appropriately medicated, he asked lots of questions about what had happened that got him to this place. When he understood what he had done, he was overwhelmed with sadness and shame. For me, I don’t want to make him feel badly about what he couldn’t control and didn’t understand. The blessing of Alzheimer’s is that he can forget that conversation and perhaps have some peace for what is left of his life.

By: Studio Catalina

Studio Catalina — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 16:23:01 +0000

Through the work I did to help my chronic depression I was able to understand the erratic behavior of my mother. My mother’s behavior toward me was the main reason I did not want to have children. This was before I understood my depression and sought to keep it in control for the most part. The sad part is learning this after the parent has died or is mentally unable to understand you.