photo credit: Raymond Brown

Our past is a story existing only in our minds. Look, analyze, understand, and forgive. Then, as quickly as possible, chuck it.

— Marianne Williamson

Are you living a script that you never consciously chose?  I find that I’m not actually living the script, but that some part of me wishes that I were.

What my parents wanted for me was a conventional life.  To them, conventional equaled safe.  And safe equaled going to a “good” college, and getting a “good” job.  Dad probably assumed that I’d get married, but Mom was so unhappy that she hoped that I wouldn’t.  At that point, she thought that happiness meant being on your own, as long as you had the means to make a good living – hence the “good” college and job.

For some reason, I believed in romance.  As a kid, my version of this story was that a handsome prince would show up and we’d fall in love, marry and live happily ever after.  I was a true product of the Disney version of fairy tales.

These were the stories that taught me about life.  Romance trumped all because I would choose better.  I sure as heck wouldn’t marry Dad. (Little did I know.)

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

Despite the fact that my life has never been like a romance novel, the idea of someone with whom I can ride off into the sunset has always been out there like the city on the hill.  It’s not that I want someone who will take care of me – even though that might be nice – I don’t believe that it will ever happen.  I’ve been taking care of myself since I was 18 and I don’t see that changing soon.

The story that always resonates with me is the love story – someone who will ALWAYS love me and stand by me and be my partner.  Considering that I’ve lived alone for over 25 years, I probably wouldn’t like the reality of having to negotiate rather than decide for myself.  I understand the reality, I want the dream. (Inside, I’m really 7.)

And They Lived Happily Ever After…

In every romantic fairy tale, there is a star crossed couple who overcome tremendous odds to come together.  Somehow, the road to finding your one true love is rocky, but after that – No Problem! (If only!)  The Lifetime channel (grown-up Disney) is dedicated to making movies that show that possibility for all ages.  In other words, I still have a chance.

These are the stories that we’ve grown up with.  It’s not that these stories are lies.  They are simply the fairy tale version of life.  Since we don’t live the fairy tale, if we really want and believe in them, in some sense, we are making ourselves unhappy.

ANYTHING But That!!!

Part of the fairy tale is perfection.  We live happily ever after.  Our children are always clean, neat, smart, talented and well-behaved.  Our husband is loving, supportive and a great dad.  We have an inspiring and challenging job.  We are fit.  Our house is spotless and well organized.  We cook well and entertain easily.  At least, that’s what we think we should be.  That’s what happens to the prince and princess when they grow up.

The cost of these stories can be high.  In an article in The Guardian, Why Do So Many Women Have Depression, Kira Cochrain reports that it has been documented in nine different countries that women have twice the rate of depression as men.  Over 11% of the population of women are experiencing depression at any one time.

According to Dorothy Rowe, a psychologist and leading expert on depression, “There’s still this idea that you’ve got to be a wonderful mother, but you also have to have a brilliant career, and you’ve got to look attractive all the time,” she says. “There is no way that you can maintain that and bring up children. But it’s still being presented to women all the time, in every magazine, on every screen, that you should.”

We’re still telling ourselves the story.  You see, our romance novel didn’t end when he popped the question.  It became our vision for our lives.  And fairy tales don’t exist – they’re just really nice fiction.

I see this every day: Women who are wives, mothers, chauffeurs, cooks, maids and employees.  They will look at me and say that they know that they shouldn’t expect that their houses be perfectly clean and yet they stay up until 2:00 in the morning to just do a few more things.  Then, they go into work exhausted.

Every day we fight the good fight.  We know what is reasonable and we match it against the story and find ourselves wanting.  We reach for the fairy tale and make ourselves physically and mentally unwell.  We need to become conscious of the story we are trying to live.  We need to examine it, keep the parts that work for us and THROW AWAY WHAT DOESN’T.

Maybe I’m the only one trying to live a fairy tale, trying to match up my life with the “movie version” that I enjoy watching so much.  But life is too short to be chasing a fairy tale.  The movie version has set designers and stage hands and costumers and makeup artists to make the story seem real.  Without them, the fairy tale would look a little more like real life, imperfect.  If I had a staff like that, I’d hate it.  I like who I am (most of the time).  Maybe I don’t want the fairy tale after all.