Self-help is the best help.

— Polish Proverb

There are many bloggers and authors out there who make fun of the self-help industry and I certainly understand their point of view.  If nothing else, the question is always raised, “if self-help authors/speakers are so good, why do we keep needing to read/hear from more of them?”  I think I’ve figured out the answer.  They believe that we can succeed more than we do.

For several weeks now, I’ve been listening to a free series of speakers provided by an organization called “Unlimited Wealth.”  Some of the speakers have been a rehash of the same ol’ stuff I’ve heard a million times before, but some of them have brought new ideas to the table.  The price for all of this is that in the middle and at the end of every interview, there is a sales pitch.  The speaker is there to promote their business and they get their shot each time.  Even so, there have been some really good ideas presented.

Three Kinds of People

I’ve reached the conclusion that there are three kinds of people in the world:

1. Those who were born with self confidence and/or blessed with parents who gifted them with enough coaching and encouragement that they believe very strongly that they can do whatever they set their minds to.
2. Those who never feel quite good enough and are always looking for ways to build their confidence and be successful.
3. Those who want to help the second group to succeed.

For those of you who are not part of the first or the third kind of people, let me assure you that there are many people who say that they were taught as children that they could do whatever they set their minds to.  Time after time, Charlie Rose interviews these folks.  Their lives weren’t perfect, but they were filled with encouragement and coaching.  Things might have been difficult, but the family “story” was that there was a way to get through the challenge.  They could handle it.

You Can’t Give What You Don’t Have

I was raised by people who were afraid of the world and it makes perfect sense that they would feel that way.

My father was raised in a family of “made men” aka Mafiosi.  He believed that the system was rigged and that everyone was out to get you because that’s what he saw his whole life.  I’m not sure what happened to those “made men” because I didn’t even know that they existed until long after they were dead.  Dad had ended up on the “legit” side of the business.  For whatever reason, my grandfather didn’t bring my dad into the “family business.”  He only saw one side of power, the use of power to take advantage of the weak.  If you weren’t “in,” you were really “out.”

My mother was raised in a family that had a run of bad luck.  Although my grandfather kept his job during the depression, my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer.  I don’t know what health insurance was like back then, I just know that my grandfather borrowed the money to pay for my grandmother’s treatment from a rich relative.  He repaid it after my grandmother died.  My mother was a freshman in high school when my grandmother was diagnosed and this experience taught her that if you just waited long enough, something would get you.

Neither of my parents felt capable of coping in the world.  They believed that only the rich did well.  Even when they had “enough” money, they felt like victims. (Don’t let anyone know that we have anything, they’ll take advantage.)  It was a role that they were familiar with their whole lives.

People who feel that they themselves are victims, aren’t going to tell their kids that there is a way to succeed.  My parents and their parents worked hard, but they still struggled.  They weren’t sure how the world worked.  Since they didn’t know how to solve their own problems, they couldn’t really coach us on how to solve ours.  So, each of us has had to create a more powerful way of being in the world.  Maybe because I’m the oldest I absorbed more of the fear and uncertainty.  It is something I fight every day.

Help Yourself

I have lived my whole life feeling that I am not “enough.”  That I don’t know enough – that I’m not smart enough – don’t have enough experience or training or contacts or…  I know that other people have started with nothing more than energy and commitment and belief.  They have achieved great things.  They will do greater things.  They don’t need the self-help industry.  I do.  I need the words of encouragement because without them, I doubt.  Even with them, I doubt.  But I doubt less.  I take encouragement wherever I can find it and I use it.  Without it, I wouldn’t have made it this far.

So, if like me, you haven’t got the self-confidence you wish for, consider finding speakers or authors that pump you up, give you hope, and/or teach you how to succeed.  As Sean Stephenson said in an interview recently, “All a guru does is present information.  The listener either takes it and runs with it – or not.”

Don’t settle for staying stuck.  There is help out there if you want it.  Maybe it’s the self-help industry, maybe it’s a mentor or maybe it’s therapy.  In today’s environment, you have the ability to choose growth.  You can find a way forward.  You can help yourself.