Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice.

— Anonymous

The holidays are here.  Already.

I’m not ready.  Tonight we made plans for our annual Book Club Christmas dinner.  When we left the meeting, one of our members wished us all a Merry Christmas because she wouldn’t be with us until next year.

I repeat… I’m not ready.

This will probably be the last Christmas that Dad is with us… and he’s not really here, just his body.  I’m really not ready!

Alone in the Middle of the Group

We all experience it sometimes, feeling isolated.  There we are in the middle of a group of people that we know and somehow we feel disconnected.  What makes it worse is that these are our friends/family.  On other days it’s been OK, but today they’re over there and I’m over here and I can’t seem to bridge the chasm.

There are times when I can almost predict that the feeling of isolation will occur – like if I’m the odd woman out at Book Club.  Everyone there likes the book and I don’t like it OR vice versa.  Probably the worst part of this is that no one at Book Club notices that I feel badly.  For good or for bad, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t tend to change her opinion because others disagree with her.  I know that I could go along to get along and yet, I don’t.  Somehow, it wouldn’t make me feel more connected, just that I gave in.

During the holidays, we all smile and “have a wonderful time.”  Well, maybe.  What causes much of the pain during the holidays is the sense of isolation that we can all feel some of the time.  We look around us at a social event and it seems that everyone else is “having a wonderful time.”  But we don’t really know if they’re just like us and feeling a bit sad in a sea of apparent happiness.

Family Togetherness

In my family, we’re so dispersed that we see each other once a year… there’s not a lot to talk about once a year, especially when some topics can only be discussed when “certain people” aren’t present.  So, I smile and wait until it’s all over.

Once the actual holiday part is over, then my brother and sister and I can actually sit down and talk.  Finally, we reconnect and the sense of isolation goes away.  For a family that was never close, we really do a good job of caring for and about one another.

The last 10 years have been difficult for us.  We’ve had to work together to take care of two parents who’ve developed dementia.  With Mom, it took us a while to get past our own denial.  With Dad, there could be no denial.

Maybe that was God’s plan.  What drove us apart, leaving home to get away from the family insanity, has now pulled us back together – dementia, a different form of insanity.  In reality, these ten years have pulled us closer together.  The holidays were and still are the one time that we all got together each year.  Without the holidays, we would have had no connection.

The holidays are here.  Already.

I’m still not ready but it will be nice to see the family.  Our connections will grow and the time I feel isolated will be shorter.  We’ve managed to keep it together over all these years and I’m glad that we still celebrate the holidays together.  I’d miss my family if we didn’t.