photo credit: <<graham>>

Of all the traps and pitfalls in life, self-disesteem is the deadliest, and the hardest to overcome, for it is a pit designed and dug by our own hands, summed up in the phrase, “It’s no use – I can’t do it.”

— Maxwell Maltz

Lately, my friends have been facing some major challenges.  One of my friends is struggling with a breakup – which she initiated.  She’s now considering getting back together with the guy because she’s lonely – and her biological clock is ticking.

Another friend has both of her grown sons living with her.  The older one just lost his job – AGAIN(!!!) – and the younger hasn’t worked in many, many months.  She’s heading towards retirement age but still has a house full of kids that she’s supporting.

Both of these people are depressed and discouraged.  Both are moving towards making major decisions – and both are in “the pit.”

Insanity

We’ve all heard the old saw about the definition of insanity – it’s doing the same things and expecting different results.  Yet we sometimes fall into unconscious patterns.  We get caught up in our problems and gradually spiral downward until we look up to find that we’ve dug ourselves a pit.

The thing about dealing with the challenges in our lives is that sometimes resolving situations takes time and we want it to be handled NOW!  And while we’re trying to figure out what to do – which would be obvious to any rational person – we talk ourselves into believing in our own lack of competence.  We weaken our self-confidence, and distrust the time that is required to find a solution that works for US.

There’s no law that says that as you’re wresting with a problem you need to stay in the pit.  So, how do you get out of the pit while you’re struggling with ongoing adversity?

Stop Digging!

The first rule when you find yourself in “the pit” is to stop digging.  The situation you are facing may seem obvious to those around you.  What is obvious to them may not be something that you can or should consider.  One way to stop digging is to be sure that you are listening to the right people.  If their solution isn’t something you think is appropriate, move on.

A perfect example of this is a friend of mine who has a child with bipolar disorder, ADHD and OCD.  For years, she struggled with figuring out what was wrong with him and then struggled with how to deal with the consequences of these diseases.  Her son self-medicated for years before he was diagnosed – so add addiction problems to the list.  “Conventional wisdom” says that if he is drinking or smoking or popping pills, she should kick him out because otherwise she is enabling him.  But from her point of view, kicking him out isn’t an option.  Even when he’s sober, he lacks basic life skills to cope with the world.

She has some very difficult decisions in front of her and she gets no support from the professional mental health community because they really don’t have a formula for dealing with mixtures of disease.  She is caught in an impossible situation – no matter what she does, she’s wrong because each solution stands alone:

• Bipolar disease – administer meds and coach
• Addiction – kick him out

So her pit gets deeper – and she’s not even digging.  Her challenge is to figure out what she wants to do and to surround herself with people who understand and support her decision.

It was once said, (actually, it’s been said a lot) – opinions are like noses, everyone has one.  We all need to listen to the folks who support us in achieving our dreams.  That doesn’t mean that everyone must agree with us, but it would be nice if the advice they offer is in support of our goals, not just reasons that we will fail.

Remember, You Are Strong!

In The Bounce Back Book, Karen Salmansohn tells us that when we are in difficulty we need to be careful to protect ourselves from well meaning people who damage our view of ourselves.  She points out that at different times in our recovery from adversity we need different reactions from our friends.  In the beginning we may need sympathy, but as time goes on we need help getting back to “normal” – we need a hand up to get out of our pit.

Salmansohn says that grieving is natural, but there comes a time when what we need is to remember, and be reminded of, our strength so that we can come out of the pit into the sunshine.  Only when we are feeling strong again can we move forward.  Only when we get out of the pit are we ready to make life decisions.

My friends are in that position.  Their challenges have drained them.  They need to recharge.  BEFORE they make any life altering decisions, they need to find the space to rest, relax and recharge.  Even a short time away, focused on anything other than the problem, can create a space which lets us all see with new eyes.

So, look around you.  Are you in a pit?  If you are, defer any major decisions until you’ve climbed out.  Then, create a space for yourself, remind yourself of how strong you really are and start climbing.