photo credit: BL1961

On Saturday, I saw a story in the Washington Post about a couple who met on eHarmony, dated and after a year, married last month. The groom is a paraplegic and my first thought was, “Wow, I could never do that.” My second thought was “but I SHOULD be open to it.”

This story had nothing to do with me and upon reflection it occurs to me that I could never do that now because my plate is overflowing with today’s challenges.  Another one would feel like just a bit too much.  But none of that precludes the fact that I went from an initial gut reaction to a judgment.  I believe that for some of us, this is the core of our struggle with resiliency and it all starts with our judging ourselves.

In our culture, we get truly mixed signals about the value of judgment.  We have a justice system based on the idea that the criminal should pay for what they’ve done.  It’s based on an eye for an eye, up to a point.  We certainly don’t accept the idea of literally taking an eye for an eye.

If you were raised in a religious tradition, you probably heard a sermon at some point on “Judge not lest ye be judged.  For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged…”  (Mathew 7: 1-2)  It continues with the question about why we see the mote in the other guy’s eye and don’t see the boulder in our own.  In other words, nobody is perfect so live and let live.

I’m using the term judgment as it is defined at Dictionary.com – “the forming of an opinion, estimate, notion, or conclusion, as from circumstances presented to the mind.”  We observe what is occurring around us and develop a conclusion about it.

So, let me say right up front that this is not a sermon on not judging others.  I actually don’t believe that our judgment of others is, by definition, a bad thing.  Let me give you an example of why I believe that judgment is good.

We’re Just Built That Way

We are made to be judgmental.  (Horror of horrors, did I really say that?)  ABSOLUTELY!  We are designed to react to our environment INSTINCTIVELY.  That means that before a thought forms, we’ve decided whether or not we’re in danger and we’ve begun to take action to fight or flee.  It was this part of our design that let us survive and become the top of the food chain rather than having been eaten by the saber tooth tiger and having him rule the world right now.  JUDGING IS WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!

As an example, let’s consider the other side of being able to judge.  My second cousin was born with Turner Syndrome – she was born with only one “Y” chromosome.  (Females have two “Y”s and males have an “X” and a “Y.” – I know it’s been a LOT of years since you took biology.)  There are many physical manifestations of the syndrome, most of which can be treated with hormonal injections and surgery these days.  There are also reasoning differences, she is “book smart”, but she has no ability to judge people OR her surroundings.  She doesn’t have the instinct which would allow her to know that she must fight or flee.  And that puts her at risk.

Enough judgment is a very good thing – like Goldilocks you want to have it be just right.

Did You Just Say “Self-Esteem” ?

Since you’ve heard more than enough lectures and sermons on not judging others, I want to look at another area entirely – you judging you.  What made me think of this was a friend saying recently, “I start every day off with low self-esteem and then whatever is said can make me feel worse.”

For those of us in a certain generation, life as children may have been one of little to no praise and constant correction.  “No, don’t do it that way… do it this way.”  The problem wasn’t just in the correction, it was in the lack of acknowledgment when we succeeded.

Now, I’m from the left coast where the whole idea of self-esteem took off.  We may have gone a bit overboard in our attempts to create self-esteem in our children through finding something to praise.  But, at the same time, as a society we were due for a course correction that balanced praise with correcting wrong behavior.

Catch Yourself Doing Something Right

To figure out if you are being overly harsh with yourself, I’m going to ask you to listen to your self-talk once again.  Previously, I had talked about how we can talk ourselves into or out of a mood – Play it Again, Sam.  We also talk ourselves into or out of believing that we bring value to our world – and this self-talk can be a habit.

How do we end up questioning the value we bring to the world?  As we become adults, it becomes our own responsibility to monitor the quality of our own work.  What our teachers and parents used to do for us, we now do.  Unfortunately, I think that we’re using their old format:  correct often, praise rarely.

Having been raised Catholic, I picked up the idea of “vocation.”  Although vocation may have largely referred to becoming a nun or a priest, I adopted it as my own.  If God has a plan for those who would become nuns or priests, God must have a plan for me.  That plan included blessing me with certain talents and opportunities.  I don’t always know what today’s mission is, but I have a firm belief that I am here for a reason.  If, as they say, “God don’t make no junk,” then I must be enough for my mission.  I have a responsibility to hone my skills and expand my talents and to use them for good not evil.

You, too, have been blessed with talents.  You also, have value.  Do you acknowledge it, rather than judge it?  Or do you start/end each day disappointed with what you have accomplished because it is never enough?  If you do, this is a habit that needs to be replaced with one that serves you.

What Gets Measured Gets Done

Lots of people talk about using a gratitude journal to help change your life view – and I agree that gratitude is essential.  But at a deeper level is the idea that we must appreciate our contribution to our world every day.  To begin to appreciate our contribution, what I’d like to suggest is that at the end of the day, you create a “What I contributed today” list.  Review your day and write down at least 5 things that added to yours or someone else’s pleasure in the day.  Remember, other people appreciate you more than you appreciate yourself (or would if they didn’t take you for granted).

Most of what you write down will be things that you’ve been doing for years – grocery shopping, laundry, cooking meals, helping with homework, checking in with a friend, balancing the checkbook, cleaning up after the dog.  These things do not require perfection, they require the doing.  They require the willingness and energy to perform the task.

Another Doggy Story:

I warn you that AGAIN I am going to one of my favorite topics – who knows, I may even find a dog picture I like.  You and I tend to discount the idea that there is value in the willingness to perform these mundane tasks.  We have been doing them forever.  That does not reduce their value.

From the dog world, let me tell you that even in the best neighborhoods, there are people who will not pick up their dog’s poop – as if it wouldn’t stick to your shoe if you step in it; or that somehow it enhances the view.  There is HUGE value in the willingness to do the mundane, must do tasks.  We may not be saving the world for democracy, but we are setting and maintaining a standard of behavior that we believe in.  THAT, my friends, has real value.

You contribute every day.  My hope for you is that as you keep this journal, you will be more able to let go of the judgment and begin building a base of self-esteem that will allow you to live creatively and joyfully.  You deserve a break everyday!