photo credit: will.pimblett

How do you work with difficult people?

This last weekend I traveled out of town to attend an investing class.  A friend of mine drove down from where she lives about 3.5 hours away and we shared a hotel room the night before the class.  This is the second time that we’ve traveled together.

Both times, we were pleasantly surprised how well we traveled together.  Each of us is single and enjoys living alone with our dogs.  She is an early morning person — wakes up naturally at 6:00, or o’dark thirty, as I like to call it.  I’m an early morning person too, but my early morning is when I go to bed.  I’m up until midnight or 1:00 most nights.

Let’s be clear.  Neither of us is an angel.  We both have tempers.  And no matter what we do, neither of us seems to sleep all that well the first night in a strange place.

Shhhhhh – Person Waking Up Verrrry Slowly

I think one of the things that may make sharing a room when we travel together work is that we know ourselves better than we did when we were young.  As much as I would like to be the one to sleep later, it takes me longer to get ready in the morning than just about anyone.  So, despite my abhorrence of 06:00, I get up anyway and drag my body into the shower.  By the time I’ve showered and partially dressed, my brain is awake enough to muzzle any surliness.  I may not be effusive, but I’m not bitchy either.  While she’s in the shower, I put on my face and pack up.  By the time we walk out the door, I can at least be civil AND I’m dressed and ready on time.

Vive le Difference!

We tend to say “vive le difference!” when discussing the opposite sex, usually after a series of comments/jokes about just how absurd the “other” is.  In reality, no matter the gender, we are all different.  Those differences can make us crazy or can lead us to a whole new view of the world.  Many times they do both.

At the class I attended this weekend, there were a lot of people who instinctively understand basic math, standard deviation and probabilities.  There are a couple of reasons for this:

1. Investing does require some basic math skills so that you can figure out if you made or lost money.
2. People are attracted to what they do well – say math or statistics – because they believe that they can succeed with what they understand.

Within the larger group of math talents were the ultimate in mathematical genius – engineers – OOH!  What I find so amazing is that even within a group that values the mathematical viewpoint, there was a lot of ribbing of the engineering group – making fun of the fact that an approximate number wasn’t enough, it had to be correct to the nth decimal place – that kind of thing.  Having been an accountant in a former life, I could empathize with the engineers.  Trust me – it either balances or it doesn’t, there’s no gray area.

Free To Be – Just Like Me

In life we are always looking for ways to be part of a group.  When we meet a new person, we often watch for the stuff that is more like us than not. We build relationships on what we have in common.  Then as time passes we realize that we really are different.

Different can be GOOD.  Different can be enlightening.  Different can be crazy making and, sometimes, when we focus on the differences we create situations that widen the gap between us rather than close it.  We judge.  We argue.  We pull back and if we do this often enough we end up more alone than not.

There’s a reason we’re all different.  If we weren’t it would be BORING! Or OVERWHELMING!  After all, if everyone was one of those happy spirits who just trust that everything will be all right, who would clean up after them?  (When I was supporting my customers, they would sometimes say something like “We need to clone you.”  No, I would assure them, the world really can’t take more than one of me.  Thank heavens God agrees.)

The problem with all this diversity, as wonderful as it is, is that we all have trouble identifying with other people.  We often wonder why they just don’t get it!!  If by some freakish chance we end up being the only detailed person in a group that really doesn’t value details we can feel undervalued, stressed and gray.  So, how do we maintain our equilibrium when we’re odd man or woman out?

First, remember that no matter how much you know that you are right, there is another viewpoint.  There may actually be several other viewpoints.  Try to learn more about how the other person views the world.  Learn how that serves them and where it seems to frustrate them.  Then, when you’re trying to do something that doesn’t exactly conform to their view of the world you can frame it as a solution to their frustration.

Second, remember that you are a lady – or gentleman.  Ladies and gentlemen don’t scream and fuss, they haul out their manners and use them to help smooth out the situation.  Please – Thank you – How may I help? – What if we…? – can tell the person with whom you don’t see eye-to-eye that you respect them and are trying to meet them partway.

Finally, when the task is finished, think back over what occurred.  Are there things you would have done differently?  How will you approach a similar situation in the future?  Congratulate yourself on the things you did well even if the best you can say is – “Well at least I didn’t call her a… (pick a name)!”  By taking charge of your actions and reactions, you’ll feel better about the entire situation AND feel more capable when you think about future situations.

We are all different.  We have different values.  We’re different partially because, from an evolutionary point of view, each of our strengths contributed to the survival of the species.  It’s hard to remember that the stubborn person you’re working with has a viewpoint with value.  But, the more we can understand and accept others, the better we’re able to navigate in the world, the less stress we create for ourselves and others.  Getting along lets us build momentum and connections.  It helps us get things done and reduces our sense of isolation – all good things when we’re working to maintain a realistically optimistic view of life.

How do you work with difficult people?