photo credit: aturkus

• I don’t know what it is
• But it just won’t quit.
• …
• Is this a blessing or is it a curse?
• Does it get any better?
• Can it get any worse?
• Will it go on forever?
• Is it over tonight?
• Does it come with the darkness?
• Does it bring out the light?
• There was a time when I knew just what I was living for.
• …and the time was so long ago.

It Just Won’t Quit
— Meat Loaf

When I’m feeling melancholy, I soothe my battered soul listening to Meat Loaf’s CD, Bat Out of Hell II: Back into Hell.  And to paraphrase the lyrics:

• There was a time when I knew just what I was living for…
• There was a time and the time was NOT so long ago.

Earlier this week I advocated turning a blind eye to the flaws in broken and damaged works of art… choosing instead to relish the beautiful imperfections that abound in our lives.  And, YES, as you might have surmised, I wrote that post, Broken But Beautiful, as a message from me to myself.  I folded it up, stuffed it in this blog – and sent it out with the tide, hoping my inner critics would walk upon the sands of time and get the message.

And STILL there’s this voice SHOUTING in my brain – THIS IS NOT WHAT I HAD PLANNED! I need a “pop-up blocker” in my head that prevents the willy nilly appearance of pretender realities.  Because I suspect that the difficulties I’m experiencing aren’t because I don’t appreciate my life “warts and all.”  No, I think I can and am doing that. I thank God for some spark inside me that bolsters me to carry on, to do what needs doing, to keep looking for hope and goodness. Thank you God.

Is It Now or Used-to Be-Now?

What’s still incomprehensible to me is the devastating, tsunami-like crash of a lifetime of expectations – the death of a spouse can do that I guess.  My mind’s eye, like an inept screenwriter, keeps bringing old memories to the front of the screen and treating them as if they were “here and now”.  You’ve probably been as frustrated as I with movies and TV shows that flit from “3 days ago” to “here and now” and back to “2 days ago”.  Well, that’s what keeps happening – momentarily, I lose track of the timeline, and it’s as if I’ve forgotten that things have changed.  Like I could forget.  And so it throws me for a loop when those lovely used-to-be-memories intrude on this reality and, just for a moment, reality flickers between now and used-to-be-now.

Not (Yet) Ready to Let Go

I certainly don’t want to give up my precious memories, I just want internal clarity so I don’t suddenly find myself believing everything’s like it was.  It isn’t and it won’t be… so please, let me get on with the journey.  Get me off the shifting sands of this hateful reality show!

Months ago I wrote a post, A Teacher Will Appear, chronicling my decision to see this journey as an “adventure into discovering who I am becoming as I ‘put on myself.’”  I have moved on bit by bit and there’s still so much to do. Including moving to the next stage in this transition process – the first really BIG, critical one – “Letting Go.”  Someday soon I may be ready to go there.  To let go of our dreams and get on with spinning up a new vision for my life.

But for now, this is not how I planned my future and it’s tough to let go.  I know I’ll get there. One day I’ll thrust through this fog and find I’m stepping into bright sunshine, confident and goal pointed. I’ll plot a new path of onlyness that looks toward a bright new future worth working for.

The Unthinkable, Now Thought…

So, to my wonderful precious memories, I say, “Been there, done that. NEXT!”  Seems like my cousin wanted to buy me a T-shirt that said that many years ago when “we” were playing tourists in Jacksonville, FL.  Fun memories.  Time for new, “me” memories.

I am HERE.  And I want to go THERE.

Thanks for keeping me company on this journey.

What’s holding you back?  What do you need to let go of so you can move on?