photo credit: BierDoctor

All government, indeed every human benefit and enjoyment, every virtue, and every prudent act, is founded on compromise and barter.

— Edmund Burke

Today I met Rufus.  He is a chocolate Labradoodle.  Labradoodles are one of those “designer dogs” created specifically to provide certain characteristics that people might find more acceptable.  The primary characteristic that made the Labradoodle popular was that they have a low to no shedding coat and low doggy allergens, meaning that people who are normally allergic to dogs may not be allergic to a Labradoodle.

Rufus reminded me just how specific we have become about what we want.  If we can’t find exactly what we want, we create it.  We tend to not accept things as they are but instead we try and find the perfect.  It is this constant search for perfection which can distract us from living the lives we have.

Expectations

For me the holidays are always a challenge.  If the family is not coming here, then I have to go “there.”  My role is to buy clothes for the nieces and nephews.  This sounds simple enough except that I’m buying for all the adults to give to the kids.  I took on this role when the kids were young (and a lot less picky) and I could buy them what I liked.  Now I do it because I always have and I have a secret weapon – a teenage neighbor who manages to go with me to Old Navy and Aeropostale without dying of embarrassment.  The end result is that I take a suitcase full of outfits and jewelry and makeup and wrap it when I get “there.”

Every year I power through the stuff I need to get done and when it is all over, I’m physically and emotionally exhausted and wondering where the holidays went.  Every year I feel as if I missed it and hope that I’ll catch it next year.  What is “it”? …the spirit of Christmas.

It’s not really that my Christmas experience is bad, it’s that it isn’t Norman Rockwell.  I don’t get the wonderful warm feeling (implied in his paintings) when it’s going on, nor when it’s over.  For me, Christmas doesn’t really change year to year, it’s pretty much the same – not terrible, not wonderful and every year I try to figure out how to make it more “perfect.”

Compromises

Again this year, I face the challenge of Christmas – how to “improve” it.  Would I feel better if I stayed here?  Not really.  Would I feel better if everyone came here?  Absolutely not!  What would make it better?  Within the constraints, I really don’t know.

And that’s the nub of the problem, Christmas isn’t just about me.  An integral part of this holiday is compromise.  None of us adults usually get to do everything we want to.  We work things around so that everybody gets some of what they want.  If the in-laws like to celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve and we usually celebrate on Christmas day, everybody can be happy.  If, however, the families live across the country from each other, it’s more complicated.  East coast gets Easter, west coast gets Christmas, then swap every year.  Make it work as best you can.

This isn’t a bad thing.  You might say that compromise is the spirit of Christmas.  It is the true spirit of giving.  Compromise isn’t about buying something, it’s about truly giving from the heart.  It is sacrificing so that the other can also have a good holiday.  It’s the adult children always taking their children to visit the grandparents and not having the opportunity to develop their own Christmas traditions.  It’s the adult children inviting the elders to their house and putting on a big spread even though they worked full time right up until the holiday.  It’s about doing what you would rather not, so that someone else is happy.

The fact is that you’re probably going to do whatever is required to keep the peace, to let the holidays flow smoothly.  Remember — each of those little and big compromises is a gift.  If you think of your compromises as gifts, they may help you feel the spirit of Christmas.