It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare.  It is because we do not dare that things are difficult.

— Seneca

Remember that commercial – “Is it real or is it Memorex?”  They would usually have an opera singer hitting a really high note and breaking a glass and then play the recording of the singer and break another glass.  It was a way to show the true fidelity of the recording.

I’ve been noticing how much we, as a society, have been talking about our troubles.  Have you noticed?  We talk about what bothers us more than we talk about what pleases us.  There’s been a lot of conversation about how bad things are economically and how the Baby Boomers won’t have the retirement that they expected.  It seems that we’re on a perpetual downer around here.  The conclusion that I’ve reached is that somehow, we’ve decided that problems aren’t part of life, which is why we get soooo bent out of shape when a problem turns up.

I blame it on the Declaration of Independence.  It says that we have the right to pursue happiness and somehow we’ve translated that into we’re entitled to be happy.  Unfortunately, sometimes the happier we are the less we like the little inconveniences that come with life.

Normal?  What’s Normal?

Our challenge is to recognize that problems are normal.  We tend to expect that life will go smoothly.  Then when things don’t go as planned, we get upset, which often just makes the problem worse.  Yes, Virginia, it really does matter how we react to what happens to us.

I have a friend who works in the computer industry.  He sells software solutions to large companies, not as a sales person, but as a Vice President of Marketing or some equally important title.  Over the last twenty years, he has spent at least a third of his working life unemployed.  Why?  Because he chooses to work for small companies, hoping to find the next Microsoft or Google.  Although he doesn’t “enjoy” being unemployed, he treats it as part of the job.  If he is going to work for small companies, some percentage of them will fail, others will let him go as the result of internal politics and still others will get acquired and again he will be on the street.  That’s “normal” in this industry and he sees it as part of the journey to find another opportunity.  He always lands on his feet and he has managed to live in a beautiful home and put his two children through out-of-state colleges.

If This is a Gift, Can I Return It?

Some motivational speakers like to refer to problems as challenges, putting a positive spin on what most of us think of as a negative.  Thinking about my own situation, it occurs to me that the reason that I have “parental” problems is because my father has been blessed with a long life.  He is 85 years old and believe me, he complains about it every day.  It’s not that he wants to die, it’s that nothing is like it used to be – except the complaining.  He’s so predictable that once, when he was in the ER for a very acidic stomach, he had a telling encounter with an elderly gentleman volunteer.

While Dad was in his little curtained room, an elderly gentleman came in to refill the linen cabinet with clean linens.  He was nattily dressed in nice slacks, a shirt and a tie.  A great big grin covered his face and he tried to make conversation with Dad.  Always the charmer, Dad basically told him that there was no reason to be smiling like that.  The elderly gentleman explained that when he had gone for his walk that morning, it had been a beautiful day and he had beaten his best time for taking his walk.  PLUS, he was able to volunteer to help out in the ER twice a week and life was good.  Dad was inhaling to deliver the coup de gras when the elderly gentleman delivered the topper.  “I’m 87 and life is good.”  Dad’s only reason for discontent was that he’s 85.  Dad shut up – for a very short time.

Dad is a bit extreme, but you and I seem to have gotten into the habit of being surprised by our problems.  We complain and ask why this is happening to us.  I’m not suggesting that we go through life braced for the next problem, but friction is part of life and to be expected.

Remember the basic science you learned in school, friction is a fact of life.  It even has some positive consequences.  Because of friction, we can stop our cars, gems get polished, two sticks can make fire and we grow up.  Friction helps us to make choices.  It tells us what works and what doesn’t.

Also, remember the other basic that you learned about friction – a little grease eases the way.  An attitude of positive expectancy can be the grease that helps you through life.  You have successfully made it this far.  Your coping skills are strong.  Your creativity has helped you to find the pony in the pony poop before, and it will again.  The key is to remember the lessons that we’ve learned along the way.

Growing Into Our Gifts

In business there’s an old saying, “You can have 20 years of experience or 1 year of experience 20 times.”  The same thing is true throughout life.  Experience is the best teacher only if we choose to learn from our experiences.  We can grow older and wiser or we can just grow old.

photo credit: AndYaDontStop

Others will tell you that keeping a gratitude journal is essential to a good attitude and I agree that remembering the things for which we are grateful can help.  The other thing that can be very helpful is to keep track of life lessons.  It may sound dumb, but it’s smarter than having to relearn a difficult lesson over and over.  You could also keep track of it in your gratitude journal as in “I’m grateful that I figured out how to bathe the kitten without losing a lot of blood.”  And then make a few notes about the significant things you did to keep the blood loss to a minimum like really, really warm water, and towels close by that can be used to restrain a wet kitten while you’re trying to regain control.  Keeping track of your ingenious solutions has two benefits – you feel so smart because you figured it out AND you don’t have to figure it out again.

Life is full of challenges.  Some of them are blessings like my father’s long life and some of them are just a pain in the tuckus.  And sometimes they are both at the same time.  In each challenge is a lesson to be learned.  If there wasn’t something we needed to learn, it wouldn’t be a challenge.

It seems there is always more for us to learn during the holidays.  They are challenging, whether we love them or hate them.  There is too much to do in too little time and these days, probably with too little money.  Along the way, there will be unexpected challenges, maybe a flat tire or not enough stock on something you really want to get for your grandchild.  We expect these challenges during the holidays.  Decide now how you will react.  Will you take a deep calming breath and make a new plan or will you spiral up and out of control?

It’s your decision.  As you move forward with an attitude of positive expectancy, you’ll be surprised at how much you enjoy the holidays when you expect that they will be enjoyable.  You’ll be pleased with the creative solutions you find for normal holiday stresses.  You’ll be amazed at your ability to not just cope, but to thrive.  Sometimes it is adversity, but that’s OK, you’re used to it.  You know how to handle it and you will prevail.