Did you do your 48 hours of ABC’s? I’ll show you one of mine. How about it, will you tell me one of yours?
Good Readers, take note: This may be difficult to read so avoid it if you’re feeling down; save it for another day, or never, your choice. PattiAnn tells me it’s “just a couple steps above my post Such is the Power – A Lament” which was posted shortly after my husband died.
I meant this post to be about how to transform a pessimistic perspective into an optimistic outlook; and for that purpose, I have shared some deeply personal (and usually private) feelings about my grief. I didn’t write it to make you sad, although it deals with sadness. Nor am I looking for sympathy. PLEASE no sympathy. Just good fellowship.
I wrote it to show me and anyone else who must walk this path that hope can prevail. Life goes on and I want to choose a life of hope rather than despair.
So, read on if you dare. Or skip it if you must. Thanks for visiting no matter what you decide.
In a Pickle and Ready to Topple…
Today has been ‘one of those days’ – I’m in a pickle, ready to topple into the dumper. It seems I feel that way often these days, on the verge, maybe a little over the edge. I could blame it on my missing mate (after all, he’s not here to defend himself) but Martin Seligman says that’s not such a good idea. Why, you ask? Well, according to Seligman, “Finding permanent and universal causes for misfortune is the practice of despair.” I don’t want to go there, no I don’t.
Let’s Understand Why Seligman Says What He Says
First off, mark this: we’re talking about how we interpret MISFORTUNE, not Fortune – there’s a whole ’nother theory when it comes to the good stuff!
By “finding permanent causes for our misfortune” Seligman means: choosing to believe that the cause of your misfortune will persist through time, forever and ever and will always affect you.
By “finding universal causes for our misfortune” Seligman means: choosing to believe that the cause of your misfortune will affect every part of your life.
So “permanent and universal” means “always and everywhere/everything”. (Golly, sure sounds like he’s describing the death of a beloved mate, don’t it. At least, so it seems to me. As I said, I’m feeling down and toppling…)
The Art of Hope = Seligman’s Remedy for Despair
Seligman prescribes a remedy for despair. In Learned Optimism
So, Now Let’s Talk Me Off This Ledge…
To do that we’ll use Seligman’s A-B-C-D-E formula to understand:
- How my self-talk could put me over the edge (A-B-C)
- And how I can pull back from that edge with self-talk that emphasizes the “temporary and specific” aspects of my situation. (D-E)
Self-Talking Me Off the Ledge
I am grieving the death of my husband. I feel sad, deeply bereft, robbed.
My Beliefs: (note the “permanent & universal” tone)
- My life is empty without my husband.
- And that’s the way it’s going to be from now on.
- He’s gone and not coming back.
- I miss him, now and forever.
- Everything has changed and I’m alive and he’s gone.
- I don’t want to be without him.
- I don’t think I’ll ever get over his not being here as my helpmate.
My Consequences:
This is when I need to ask if I want to live with these consequences of believing my negative beliefs.
My Distract & Dispute: (note the shift to “temporary and specific” tone)
Yes, of course you’re grieving, that’s a good thing and a process to embrace.
But it won’t last forever and even now, you actually forget this sadness a good part of the day and doings. It’s just that when it descends, it’s fast and fierce – but the frequency is beginning to subside, isn’t it? And intervals of well-being are bound to expand.
This is just a difficult day doing difficult things you never liked to do even when he was here to support you through the angst. You can do these things and you can create your own systems that will work for you. And you just might learn to appreciate the mastery of it all. It’ll take time and a willingness to do what needs to be done, an intent to dream up a new future, and the fortitude to “put on myself.”
My Energize:
And then, next time you start to miss him, instead of sinking into sad, try for a smile, work on being glad for the almost half century you shared.
And since I’d really rather not be down in the dumps again today, I guess I’ll lean into moving on, enjoying my now and all the little pleasures I still get to savor like sitting in the shade enjoying the patio he engineered and we built, exploring the arts he so encouraged me to try… immersing myself in reading just as we used to do singly-but-together… writing posts such as these, posts he knew helped me cope and even though he didn’t have the energy to read them, he encouraged me anyway – “if it helps you, do it”, he’d say.
I will, one day at a time, learn to do and enjoy alone, just me, the things we shared together… and sooner than later I will begin dreaming up and getting the wheels turning on bodacious futures and intriguing trips…
A new life beckons and I can carry on without abandoning happy memories – they are mine forever!
I can, and one day at a time, I will.
I Choose Hope
At the beginning of this post, I quoted Seligman: “Finding permanent and universal causes for misfortune is the practice of despair.” Well, I’ll dodge despair, thank you very much. I’ll choose the “art of hope” instead.
So I will intentionally listen carefully when I’m talking inside my head and I will work to re-script my self-talk toward seeing that “this too will pass.” Grief, like many of the other things we endured during the last two years, must be endured and it will subside. There is light at the end of the tunnel. One step at a time, and then, some day, I’ll look around and realize, just like the sore shoulder that used to plague me, that it hasn’t hurt for a while, I just was too busy enjoying living to notice its absence.
And so, for today, I will do what Nelson Mandela recommends when toppling toward despair:
Part of being optimistic is keeping one’s head pointed toward the sun, one’s feet moving forward.
The patio and a beautiful end-of-summer day beckon.
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